So, What Do I Want?

I haven’t really thought this one through lately. I’m so fixated by the number on the scale that nothing else seems to satisfy me. After weighing in at 152.5 AGAIN this morning, I just about banged my head against a wall. What is wrong? Why wasn’t it this difficult last year when I went zipping past this number and into the 140’s?
But I sit here and think about the leaps and bounds my body has been through in the past month and a half. I can wear the short shorts and stand next to the skinny girls…and my legs are the ones that are toned. My poochy tummy, which is probably the reason why all those tests indicate I’m prone to future heart disease, is slowly going down. All those crazy ab exercises after spinning seem to be tightening it up and eating away at all the mush. And you know what? I may be the same “bigger” weight that I am right now, but I do feel more confident when I go out. Because I’m fit and healthy. Just a pound over the limit to the top of the BMI chart. Throw me a bone here, Mr. Scale!
So what do I want?
• I want to go on my long-awaited honeymoon with my husband and wear a bikini. Not even a string one. One of those halter types with a little more coverage is sufficient. I just want to be able to wear a two piece without thinking “do they think I’m too fat to wear this?”
• I want to not care what other people think of what I eat. Last summer I didn’t care. But those extra 10 lbs have really changed me.
• When I do have kids, I want to be the MILF! I don’t want to let the pregnancy weight get ahead of me, so I will try to use my foundation that I’m setting now to get me to MILF status in short order.
• I want to be able to do that crazy 300 Fitness test. I’d be Superwoman if I could complete it.
• I want to feel more energetic. Get rid of these daytime fevers. Feel ready to conquer the world, all the time.

I just really want to wear that stupid bikini. It’s SO vain, but I’ve always been the chubby girl my entire life and have never, ever been able to wear one. It seems so silly, but it is my main motivator. Especially living in Southern CA now, where everyone is obsessed with how they look. (Don’t get me started on my forehead lines— I would never ever do Botox, but now I notice them every morning and think to myself, “I hate getting old! I want my hubby to be able to say that he’s got a hot one on his hands, not just a “smart one.”
We’ll keep working on all of that. Thanks, Fat Girl Walking (wish I could call you something else? Our Inspirational Leader? Infinitely Wise one? Sarah?), for this idea. Helps to sit down and really think about these things every once and a while