Just Because

I'm having one of those days. No inspiration. No purpose. Everything I do is....just because.

Hubby did not pass his final exam two nights ago. Today, he had to talk to the chief pilot and basically beg to be given one last shot. He got it-- went promptly into an FTD session where he was drilled for 3 hours to see how proficient he was. His instructor said he was fine and recommended a training session followed by a retest. So we dodged another bullet, until his retest tomorrow night. This is what he's been wanting for 5 years now. The dream job. He even got his dream base, right close to home. (that NEVER happens) It was all too perfect, and it could be over tomorrow night. I'm trying to stay strong for him. To encourage him. To tell him he's going to pull through and it's going to be alright, but doubt is a nagging feeling that nips at me when I try to think past today. My worrying about him has left me paralyzed. Yes, I can work. Yes, I can function. But I don't feel.

There's shit going around work, too. Everyone seems to have cold. I guess they didn't get the memo that I was trying to have my "A" race this weekend. I mean, seriously.....I got sick the day before Pacific Coast. Now I'm getting snotty and I have a fever. Like, 100 degree, not my typical 99. I don't feel anything, though. It's just a number on a thermometer.

So I hit the pool tonight with a few of the slower teammates. It was cold, and I didn't have as much energy as I'd hoped, but it was a good distraction. Coach even showed up in the end to get a little swim in as well. What a hoot she is! We had a great time, but she couldn't resist crossing the line and coaching again. Apparently I reach down too far with my stroke and it's straining my rotator cuff. The correction had me making shallow strokes that didn't seem to get me anywhere.....so I've decided to ignore it and deal with it in the off-season. I'm going to tear my rotator cuff up in Mission Bay on Sunday and nobody can stop me!

We spent our night discussing cancer, of all things. Coach is a survivor. One of our teammates is a survivor. A neighbor of Coach's had a double mastectomy this morning. I watched an amazing 2-hour documentary last night called "Crazy Sexy Cancer," about a vibrant young women's journey with incurable cancer. It was overwhelming. Perplexing. Sad. But we left our talk inspired. I guess that made it worthwhile.

So to end the day with cancer really did put it all into perspective. Hubby may be going through a tough time right now, and his future may end up being uncertain if he doesn't make it through this. But in the end, we'll still have eachother....mostly healthy......mostly happy.....and most definitely in love. So we'll get through this and be thankful that we have so much in life. Hopefully we don't dwell on what we don't have.

But that is a topic for tomorrow.

Just because.