Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

On Saturday, I was filled with pride as I swam my 200 meter assessment in 3:30 and was placed in the "Advanced" swim group with my new triathlon team. Now, I missed "upper" advanced by :15 seconds, but I was still pleased with myself because it meant I hadn't gotten that slow in my many months off from swimming.

Fast forward to last night. My first "Advanced" swim session, at a local community college in a manky pool that smells like....well, it smells pretty gross.

I confidently hopped in a lane with a lady nearly twice my age (okay, maybe early 50's) and off we went on our 7 minute warmup. So far, so good. I was holding my own. Then our coach, a guy who doesn't even introduce himself, started yelling out instructions. 50 meters of "superman" with your arms out and not moving, just kicking. 50 meters of laying on your back and just kicking. 50 meters on your right side with your arms out, kicking. 50 meters to the left, kicking.

What? Did you say, "kick?"

Sorry, but I'm a triathlete. I've spent the past 2 years NOT kicking. You are going to kill me!

So I tried. Honestly, I did. I took on water like the Titanic, though. I was okay and streamlined in the first 50, but on my back, I totally freaked out and struggled to breathe. I hated the backstroke as a kid and consequently have never returned to the position. Last night brought back the very worst memories. And that f***ing lane line! Holy cow, I hate it so much.

Anyway, suffice it to say the first 200 was torture. When I finally got back to the end of the pool, Mr. Coach said, "YOU! You need to keep your head down." I didn't even look at him. Um, excuse me, but how can I keep my head down when I am so out of breath that I have to breathe every stroke??? I was pissed.

"Repeat," he ordered after a minute break.

What? Are you kidding me??

Nope, he was dead serious. So, off we go. My lanemate, Miss Lazy Butt, who only did 1/2 of the workout in the previous set, proceeded to do the same the second time around. She was sitting at the end of the pool waiting for me when we were done with the 2nd 200. I mean, who is she kidding? Does she seriously think everyone will think she did the full set and she was the fastest? Argh!!!!

And again, when I return, same comment. "YOU.....head down even more."

Dude, you gotta think about me here. I've trained primarily in open water. I'm excellent at sighting -- the very best! What is with this head crap?????

Next drill is more torture. 3 strokes of freestyle, then hold the 3rd and kick for 6 beats....repeat. 150 meters. Go!

I was a bit better at this one....but again, Mr. Meany Pants was like, "head down!" Man, I am trying. "Repeat!"

Off we go again. I worked on keeping that head so far down that my head ached. No comment on the return this time.

Next drill was some kind of stroke practice. Lengthening. Letting that first part of the stroke nonchalantly hit the water and extend. I tried to keep my head down. 200 meters. At the 50, Meany Pants was looking down at me. "You are crossing over with your left hand." What?!! No!!!!! So I focus on the left hand. Hard. What is with this? Am I just tired? At the 100, he's there again. "Better. Keep your head down."

Mother f***er. Will I ever get it right?

1000 meters later, I was spent. I felt like crying. Am I such a terrible swimmer that every part of my stroke is wrong? Did I really just drink a gallon of this manky water? Why do I feel like puking? My arms are lead weights!! HOW on EARTH am I going to be able to keep this up every week?

I was just totally, utterly destroyed. My very first swim practice, and I was practically reduced to tears. Nobody else around me seemed nearly as perturbed. Were they used to this dude? Were their strokes perfect? Can they handle criticism better than me? I mean, man, I know I'm not the fastest, but was I not trying to improve?

Triathlon season, welcome back. I have a feeling I'm gonna need to find some big girl panties, and find them fast. Because if this happened on Day 1 of swimming, I don't even want to think about what's around the corner!