Gluttony

Guilty! Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, and guilty! One for each of my personalities: Chocolate, Peanut Butter, White Bread, Cookie, Brownie, and Dean & Deluca Candy Peach.

Why must there be so many temptations this time of the year? And why I am hatin' on life so much that I'm one of the first to raid the gift baskets when they hit the kitchen at work? Last year, I was such a food snob. "Oh, no, I can't eat that. It's a slippery sloap. No sirree!" I got a reputation for being the food snob. "Better watch out, Joe Blow, Mtngirlincali might get sick if she sees you eating that Big Mac and french fries." Not now. She may ask if she can have a few.

What is up with this? I went through a major transformation in my life 3 years ago. I dropped 38 lbs before my wedding, and I've since gained 8 back. It's horrible, and I don't want them there, but they don't seem to want to go away. And with the way I've been eating lately, I wouldn't be surprised if even more join them! I'm just so frustrated, but weight loss is a frame of mind. You have to want it. You have to commit to the sacrifices you WILL have to make, because you have a greater goal in mind. I need that goal now. I need that focus. There is no more wedding dress to squeeze into. There is no more "vision" of what I might be able to look like. I just need to pull from within and get a grip on the PLAN, and stick to it.

How's this for motivation, Self? In your new favorite sport, speed is achieved by a number of means. There's talent, of course. There's aerodynamics. And there's WEIGHT..... People are buying carbon bikes, carbon water bottle holders, lightweight wheels..... all to get a lighter bike. Well hell, you can save yourself a thousand dollars if you lose a few pounds off of YOUR body, not your bike. Surely that must be an excellent solution and motivation? And who won your age group in your 5K this weekend? The thin-as-a-rail chickie, that's who! Big boobs, a spare tire, and a big badonkadonk don't make for speed. LOSE THE WEIGHT, Chubmeister. Put the cookie down. Remember what it's like to cross the finish line, and think about doing it with GOOD race photos!


....okay, not so sure that worked, but I have to start somewhere.

We leave for Colorado on Saturday, and I am dreading the drive. For once, I'd just like to chill out and not be torn between families on Christmas day. To be honest, I haven't even given much thought to our "plan" once we are there, but I think I will be selfish and just do what I want to do. I need a day of shopping on my own once I get there. I want to be alone.

Work is insane, but I got a raise next year, so I am pleased. Good thing I've signed up for the 7:30pm training session with our tri club next month.....I'll probably be at work that late every night! They will definitely be making me earn my keep this coming year, of that I am sure.

So enough from me. I'm going to go yell at my stomach in the mirror and then head to sleep.

#2.....#2, Baby!

Yes!!!!!

Runners are slower than triathletes. Imagine that!!!

OK, so, runners who decided to show up for the Santa Run this morning in my age group just suck.....so yours truly got #2 in her age group, first time out in a 5K! You know why?? Because triathletes know how to pace themselves. They understand their pace. (And this particular triathlete got pretty darn lucky that the real runners slept in this morning)

So, I didn't hit my goal time. In fact, I was a minute over it, but I am still elated. I was at the back of the start "chute," with over 1000 runners, and it took us over a minute to get through the chute and to the road where we could actually run. It wasn't until 0.4 miles into the race that there was enough room to "run" at a pace faster than a 12-minute mile, so that second half had to be pretty quick to keep the pace up. I had a great time running in costume. My stockings stayed up. I warmed up enough to run in my tank top. The knees held up (although they are singing now). My pre-race nutrition (one piece of toast with PB) stayed down (barely). Just an excellent day all around.

I permitted DH to not run. He isn't trained for the distance, and to be honest, 3 miles is still considered an endurance event. Rather than have his name be forever associated with walking on the internet, I gave him the free pass to stand by the finish line and take pictures. I think he actually enjoyed himself and it sort of motivated him to get out there and get active. The race would have been even more fun had we been out there together. He's even asking about half marathons in March. Can you believe it? I've died and gone to heaven.

So, here are a few pics of me today. I still look like I'm dying out on the run. Thank goodness for triathlons and the bike leg.....I think I'm a sexy bitch on the bike. (Just kidding!! But I certainly don't throw pained faces on the bike like I do on the run--- it's pretty embarassing looking back at me)

Make Room for Santa

I'm committed!

Well, not in the sense that perhaps you think I ought to be committed.......but I am committed to a race. Tomorrow. A RUNNING race. Oh yes, this is momentous indeed. The girl who could not do the mile run in elementary school is entered in the Santa 5K. And so is her lazy ass husband! (Shhhh.....he thinks he's going to be walking with a girl from my work.....but he's going to be all alone so I hope he reconsiders his walking strategy) I think I'm sick of being all talk and no action, and my base for running is well above the 3-mile marker now. My best time in a triathlon for a 5K is something like 27:35, so I'm going to push for 27 flat and see how that goes.

Coach....lovely, sweet, bitchy Coach.....has been particularly evil in run club the past few weeks. She surrendered her role as sweep so that she could torture myself and another (a mom many times over with grown kids who signed up for California 70.3 -- in just a few months, she looks fantastic!) woman in the lead role. So we've been doing fartleks (I think that's what you call speed intervals, except I really hate to even write "fartlek" in my blog because it does seem inappropriate!) and our calm, relaxing long runs have become a thing of the past. I always end these nights whimpering, heaving, and with my hip flexors so tight you could play a tune on them. Ugh! But I'm hoping that this has given me a tiny bit more speed so I won't embarass myself out there more than my costume will have done.

Yes, I have a costume. Now, it's not Steve Stenzel-quality, but it's going to be cute. I bought my stockings in San Francisco earlier this week. Am considering creating a little Santa skirt at Jo-Anns this afternoon, but I may just leave the costume at the stockings. We'll see.

Well, I'm going to finish this now before I go into my insane work life or my inability to complete my Christmas shop. Or my increasing trepidation about my upcoming journey, via car, to Colorado in my poor car. And my cat, who must stay in the IE. Oh, what has life come to?

Until then, think of me tomorrow. Pray that my husband doesn't divorce me over running/walking this race alone. :)

Out of Steam

What a week!

I've put in more hard hours at work this week than I have the entire time I've been out in CA. I've talked to my old boss, the chief development officer, more times than I have in about a year. I've skipped lunches and dinners (but trust me, I still managed to eat plenty) to get analyses done. And I saw 5am for something not triathlon-related for the first time in a very, very long time. Call me spent.

I came home last night and just collapsed. No shopping for me. No movies. No nothin'. Exercise has been rough this week, too. I made it to run club on Thursday (I literally grabbed my keys and snuck out of the office), but I hadn't eaten for 6 hours and was a little dehydrated. I started out just fine, but then coach had us run some intervals and by the end I was seeing stars and ready to just go to sleep. Horrible run! To top it off, McTrainer quit and is now at a different club. So it was just Coach and us tri girls gabbing away....which is good, but Coach was always the sweep so she never saw me and never pushed me too much. Now she's in eyesight and her brain is churning. That's always trouble.

Christmas plans have not progressed nicely, either. We have nothing purchased yet for Christmas. Nobody is done! I've been a little too stressed out to think about much of anything, let alone Christmas. But I guess that is what today and tomorrow is for. On the going-home front, we find that we are now limited by our beloved cat. He's on four wait lists right now for kennels, and now hubby is talking about getting him into a kennel in Riverside because it's on our way to Colorado! My precious, in the I.E.? Heck no! I'd rather stay home and be miserable. So we will just have to wait this one out and see what happens. I dread being alone on Christmas, but we'll make it work.

So that's the scoop. Stress. Lots of it. Stress eating. Not so much productive training. Christmas malaise/panic. No food in the house. Unemployed hubby. Ho ho ho!

But on the bright side, I must share a photo of my precious little Santa. We did manage to find time on Sunday to take our Christmas card photo:

Yes, I am Fast

In transition!

So, we had our annual Christmas party for our tri-team this past Friday. A fun event, although not everyone showed up so it was a pretty small group. (OK, there were 70 people, but that seemed small) We ate our dinner, then waited around for the year-end awards. In retrospect, I shouldn't have expected anything. I'm one of the better swimmers, but there were a few faster than me. I am pretty quick on the bike, but in practice, Jill is faster than me. And on the run....well, take your pick-- there are oodles of women who can get me. So there wasn't a chance for an individual award, but I was thinking all-around, I'm a pretty consistant top 1/3 - 1/4 finisher here. Maybe??

Nope! Yours truly gets "Fastest Transitioner." Ugh. It kind of took the wind out of my sails. Anybody can transition fast! Argh.... While I was flattered at the thought, it did motivate me to get even better next season. I'll be fastest biker if it KILLS me. Coach told everyone I was getting a new bike, too, so now the pressure is really on to drop the cash and get fast.

From the sounds of things, everyone took "off season" literally. People have lost their fitness already and are only managing a few gym classes a week, much like me. You can tell we are newbies. After reading all these triathlon blogs, it has become VERY clear to me that although you all talk about an off season, you are liars. You aren't resting. You aren't casually strolling through the woods on your mountain bike. This is an extension of your yearly training, and you all aren't losing one bit of fitness. I hate you! (OK, just kidding here....I wish I were as focused)

We spoke about the schedule for next year, and oddly enough, only 2 others have signed up for Barb's Race. Coach has taken it a step farther with me, however. If you are going to do Barb's Race and you hate running, why not just do the full Aquabike and be done with it? I fell out of my chair at this point. The FULL Aquabike? As in, 2 of the 3 phases of Ironman Aquabike? Now, the 1/2 Aquabike I was all over. I can swim 1.2 miles in my sleep and the 58 mile bike, although sucky, would be infinitely attainable on more than a half a year of training. But the Iron distance? Holy wh*ref*ckBatman! I seriously need to sit down with myself and think this through.

Coach says we need to have a fire burning inside of us to do this. I don't know if you can define my desire as "burning." It's not even a fire, really. I just want to prove to myself that I can make my body do something I never thought it could possibly do. I want to break down this perception I have of myself of not being particularly athletic. I mean, I did sports as a kid, but I always thought endurance sports were for the cross country running team. So I want to prove to myself I can do it. THEN perhaps I can go back to my bread and butter and try to get faster.....because I think I may very well be a sprinter at heart.

On a sad note, the last of my childhood cats was put to sleep yesterday back in Colorado. Cocoa (aka "Beans") came to us as a kitten in December of 1991. We begged and pleaded with my parents for us to get him, as he was so precious with his seal point marking and little white boots. After many trips in and out of the shop, my parents gave in and he was ours. And boy, was he a crazy boy! We lost many, many rolls of toilet paper that winter. The Christmas tree nearly fell over several times. Our jeans were lined with punctures, as Cocoa loved to take a flying leap from the ground and "stick" to your leg. Cocoa also loved Easter. There was something about eggs and the sound they make when they hit the floor that was irresistable to him. When Cocoa settled down into adulthood, his favorite pasttimes turned from troublemaking to sleeping and eating. Cocoa never met a shrimp he didn't like. You so much as cracked a cocktail shrimp tail and he would come running, SCREAMING, from anywhere in the house, as though his life depended on getting that shrimp. Christmas after Christmas, Cocoa would raid the stockings looking for teriyaki beef jerky, his other "must-have" in life. It became a tradition--- setting the stocking up with beef jerky so Cocoa could "break in" and steal it, even though it was all rigged.

I suppose Cocoa didn't really start to get sick until this past summer. He was nearly 17 years old, and it was just time for his body to start shutting down. My sister eased him into this transition in his life as best as she could....being a vet tech, she had all sorts of drugs to treat his thyroid, kidneys, and joints. Yesterday, when he could no longer eat, she had him on a heating pad until it was time to have him put down. I was sad I could not be there to say goodbye, but good ol' Beans was there for Thanksgiving and I had a chance to spend several days with him then, knowing full well that this would be the last time. So Beans is gone, and with him, a piece of my childhood. He's got some great company at the Bridge, though, and he will always hold a very big piece of my heart.

Happy trails, my buddy.

I Feel Good?

Yes, that is a question mark. Mainly because I've felt like crap this week, but right now....I'm feelin' good.

Tonight was run club. Now, I hate running. Despise it. Loathe it. But somehow, once I'm out there, it's exciting when I find my groove. Sometimes I feel like I could go on and on.....but eventually, my cardiovascular capacity catches up to me and I go downhill. Tonight, I headed off with McTrainer (ladies, he is a fine manly specimen, and ALL business) and the new girl, a thin little co-ed newbie triathlete from a swimming background. I was surprised that I could hang with them for so long. In fact, it took them a good 18 minutes to drop me! We were headed up the hill of doom, a one mile climb from HELL that I can run up, but slowly. They lengthened as I shortened, and I watched McTrainer shake his booty in the dark until I could no longer see his flashing light. I did okay on my own, although every rustle in the dark made me more aware of my surroundings. Perhaps it picked me up.....because I cranked out 9 minute miles, baby! Dropped 5 minute off my time from two weeks ago, too. Oh, please let there be hope for me at longer distances.....

Last night was a bit of a disaster. Coach did a trainer session open to the public, so I decided to go. But the Cheeto was in no condition for a spin session, so I had to take my mountain bike which I hadn't ridden since July! Ouch. The handlebars were horribly uncomfortable, standing was impossible because the big ring is a wimp, and halfway through, my toe cramped so bad I was cringing on the floor for the rest of the workout. What a defeat. I felt like such a pansy. A pansy on a mountain bike, no less, amidst all the fancy tri bikes.

Work has been so amazingly stressful. Heck, I don't even know if I'll have a job in the future. Nobody seems to know anything......

And my kitty is sick. Poor baby has an upper respiratory infection and sneezes all day long, launching kitty boogies everywhere. But I think his antibiotic is kicking his rear more than the infection--- he has lost his appetite (trust me, this is huge) and has kitty diarrhea. Hubby is having trouble coming to grips with this, as it means every time my darling sneezes, he leaks. So I chase him around the house with toilet paper and hubby squeals in disgust. It's kind of funny, really.

So there's the update. I'm finally a little more active, just need to hop in the pool. Job is weird. Kitty is sick. But I'm still in that post-run haze where despite all of this, everything is all right.

The cure for fitness

I think I have lost every shred of fitness that I had a month and a half ago. It is with great shame to admit that it's been a week since I've gotten off my duff. In my defense, I did get seriously ill on Friday and Saturday with a horrid fever and nausea, but that is beside the point. I feel wrotten, and I'm technically healthy again!

So I'm racking my brains as to how I am going to recover what little bit of endurance I had over the next week. Spin tomorrow night. Pool on Wednesday night. Run club on Thursday. Perhaps go out with hubby on Friday night (I bet I could find some ways to burn calories there....) That should be a start, at least. If I don't watch out, the other girls from my group may actually be able to keep up with me. And let's be honest-- I love being the fastest. I can't handle anyone beating me!

I was reading some blogs the other day about the differences between all the triathlon distances. They seem to say that Olympic is a good distance for swimmers and cyclists. I don't really get this, because I'm a slow runner......I see a 6 mile run as an opportunity for a good runner to gain 24 minutes on me. Now, even if I kick their rear in the swim and the bike, I probably won't kick 24 minutes of rear. So I don't know how this Olympic thing will go for me. Am I just a sprinter? Is this all that was planned for me? Do I even have any business going longer when I suck so bad at running? Ugh.

I suppose I should channel all this angst into momentum....to the gym.

Man, all this talk of racing is making me feel fat.

Altitude Schmaltitude

At least that's what I thought when I planned my 5-mile run yesterday. Get up, grab some coffee, eat my banana, and then enjoy a gorgeous Colorado day by hitting the trail outside of the in-laws house. I strapped on my heart rate monitor, slathered on some sunscreen, and off I went.....but holy cow, 0.8 miles in my heart rate was where it is at the very end of my runs. So I changed my strategy--- walk every .8 miles. Which worked great for three or four minutes, but then the heart rate went even higher. What's up with that?! I reassess the situation and decide that I need to perhaps go shorter today and try to bring my heart rate down, as it's now nearing max range. (It's 4 beats below where it is after I've done 3 200-meter all-out sprints!)

I ended up only managing 3.2 miles of running and 1 mile of walking before giving in to my poor heart. Legs felt amazing, but the altitude totally defeated me. How in the heck do athletes come here and do well in games or competitions if they aren't acclimated for a week? I'm flabbergasted.

So aside from the weak workout and abundance of food everywhere, I'm still hanging. Got to visit Colorado Multisports yesterday and pick their brains about organized triathlon training for my cousin in Boulder, so that was fun. I really wanted to shop, but figured I need to focus my attentions on Christmas. For my family, not for me! Today, I'm hitting up the local bike shop down South to ask about all-women group rides for beginners.....I want to get my little sister into something so she can start to feel better about herself. It's now my mission to enroll everyone I know into group exercise programs.

So for now, I'm off to catch up on my blog reading and drink more decaf coffee. (I know, it's the pits....we had to make an emergency coffee shop run at 5pm yesterday because my headache wanted to KILL my husband)

Vacation

I'm FREE!!!!

9 whole days of uninterrupted, work-free vacation.....right in front of me. I'm PSYCHED!

Hubby and I are headed back to Colorado to visit our families for Thanksgiving. Of course, vacation is a relative term. Since everyone wants a piece of our time, this vacation is more like "satiation" for our loved ones. We must split our time up into carefully planned segments, making sure that everybody gets their fair share of us. In-laws must get X number of nights and days, which must not exceed the number of nights and days allocated to MY parents. Tricky business, to be sure. What will not be taken into account, however, is history. Never mind that hubby, one month ago, spent nearly a week with his parents whilst on his way back from his failed airline training in Texas. (Skipping my last triathlon of the season, I'll have you) Nope, that time wasn't good enough. I now have to spend the first 3 days of my Colorado trip at their house, doing who knows what.

Oh, wait. There's that running track and rec center not more than a 5-minute walk from their house. Guess where I'll be LIVING for the next few days?

OK, so I am bitter. How could I not be? I love DH, and sometimes I love his parents, but I love them from afar. Being in their plain vanilla house and doing the same exact trips with them every time we visit gets a little old. Oftentimes, we just sit in front of the television for hours and hours. This will happen even more now, as they just renovated their basement into a huge TV room with a mammoth flatscreen. Help me!

My parents' house, on the other hand, is exciting. My sisters will be there. My old cats and dog will be there. My old room. My friends will be home visiting their families, and I can visit them. It's still a little bit of "home" for me. I suppose I'll get my share of it, but that's just never enough.

At any rate, sorry about my Thanksgiving tirade. It's just such a bummer to think that I get all these days away from work, but I can't enjoy them because I'm trying to appease everybody else. The price we pay for following our careers and moving far from the nest?

OK, back to my fun stuff. Bike porn. OMG, I had the best time at my bike fitting the other night. Turns out yours truly is totally, completely comfortable at a 79 degree seat angle. YES! How aggressive is this?! (OK, I think that was referring to the seat angle, but I can't be 100% certain--- I'm a newbie, remember?) I was so pleased with the comfort associated with this position. Compared to my torturous Trek 1000SL, with the bike seat that destroys my precious girl parts, the tri position is like divine intervention. So comfortable. Even my legs felt fantastic. Did I mention I have a new favorite LBS? My FIST-certified fitter was phenomenal, patient, and funny, and I'm running back there on January 1st (gotta get the bonus first!) to order my tri bike.

So if hubby isn't employed by then, I'm going to get the heinous red Felt S32. If he is employed, mama's gettin' the S22. I do hate the color red, but I suppose I'll make an exception here. After all, my least favorite color on the planet is orange and I'm currently riding the Cheeto. Which brings me to the whole name thing. What does one name a red bike? Part of me really wants to call it "Orgasmo," but it's entry level so not quite sure it evokes that in anybody. I suppose I'll have to ride it first to find out.

Other late breaking news: I joined a run club. OK, not quite a club, but an after-hours evening running group that goes out of 24-Hour fitness once a week for 45 minutes to an hour. My coach is the sweep for the group and said that it was open to the public, so I decided to get my rear in gear and attend. I'm a group workout fanatic, what can I say? The lead group goes off at an 8-minute mile pace, which I can only sustain for a mile and a half, so I just did my own thing and ended up with a leisurely 10-minute mile pace for the whole 3.5 miles. We lopped off the last half mile because my hip flexors felt like they were going to die a long and horrid death. But what a fantastic idea! If only they met twice a week, I'd be doing much better with my running.

My goal is to just keep working at it over the winter and see if there's any improvement. I just have to keep being impressed with myself. I'm the girl that couldn't even run the mile in high school! I would walk, totally out of breath and hating life, around the track with hatred in my eyes. (I was also the first girl in every 1/4 mile sprint we ever did, but that's a story for another day)

So with that, I think I'm going to go on my "vacation." I just hope it doesn't feel more like work.

Of Fit and Fancy

I can't say I've been doing a heck of a lot of anything these days, and judging by my torturous performance in spin class yesterday, I've lost what little fitness I had back in the season. The knees are starting to hurt again (darn you for throwing away thousands of your insurance company's dollars on physical therapy!), and I'm back on the diet. At least I have 3 pounds to show for all my effort. But let's not address the fact that exercise and caloric deficit are not things that work for me.

So, in the midst of turmoil at work and uncertainty with hubby's career at home, I've decided that my Trek 1000 SL is not the bike I'd like to continue riding in my races. Call it faulty tuneups or a faulty bike, but the gearing has never sorted itself out and I had to do my last race STUCK in gear. It was a flat time trial course, and I was stuck in the middle ring, unable to shift in the back. Yeah, it was a real field day and a miracle I was able to go as fast as I did. At any rate, here's my dilemma. I feel like I'm fairly fast on the bike, at least in sprints. I'm a real crap runner. So the more distance I can put between people in the bike and the swim, the better. I need some sort of edge on this darn bike! I had the fastest bike split in my relay group in Long Beach, and I'm one of the faster ones in my age group...but the top girls definitely have a few mph on me. Granted, a lot of that is fitness, but could some of it be that they are more aerodynamic??

My dilemma is this: Do I upgrade my Trek 1000 to a slightly-better road bike and slap some aerobars on it? Knowing that the best I can do is a 2006 Trek 5000 in my price range, but maybe not even that much because I'd still need to get the aerobars and a fitting within that budget?

Or do I take the plunge and get a tri bike? And keep the road bike for practices?

The roadies all say "get a good road bike." The triathletes ask if I have any interest in group rides or being a roadie. I say no. So they say, "get a tri bike!" Why can't this choice be easy?

Coach says that my training will be hill-focused over the next 6 months. Roadies say you can't climb hills on tri bikes. Well, I ask, how the heck can you ride it in a triathlon if it can't climb hills? I don't GET THIS! Totally flippin' confused. It is apparent, though, that I will need a road bike for the easy rides....somehow you can't take it easy on a tri bike? Again, never been on one, so I haven't a clue.

One thing I must say, though, is that they are all very sexy indeed. I have a fitting tonight to check out how I ride and see what frame geometry will be most comfortable for me. My hubby thinks it's a bit excessive to spend an hour and a half measuring me for a bike I may not even buy, but I think it'll be helpful and worth the investment. I hope so!
Here are my sexy bike choices. Any opinions on what I should do???

Next Year

Our long-awaited training program was just released today, and with it came a number of decisions about next year.

I've been thinking about myself a lot the past few weeks. How I've never really challenged myself to do something I wasn't sure I could do. In fact, I'm the type of person who would rather not try than to fail, because I love being the best at what I do. Why purposely put myself in a situation where I might not succeed? Now, I don't get this in many places in life, because I'm still slightly young, stupid, and believe I can do most anything. But physically? I have no idea if I have a Half Ironman in me. Heck, acknowledging that maybe I could do Olympic distance was hard enough. But after chatting with Sixtwothreetries, my hubby, and myself, I think I've finally decided.

I don't know what the future is going to bring. I know that my biological clock is ticking and eventually I have to face the fact that I ought to have kids. Work may move me to some other coastal city and take me away from my Tridivas! Or I could hurt myself and not be able to race. But these are things that will happen when they happen....but probably not next year. So while I have the time, the body, and the ability.....I think I may just go for it.

That being said, here's the schedule for next year, subject to additions!

April 12, 2008 Irongirl Triathlon, Lake Las Vegas (Olympic distance)
June 15, 2008 Danskin Triathlon, Somewhere in SoCal (Sprint distance)
August 2, 2008 Barb's Race, Vineman (Half Ironman)
August 24, 2008 Santa Barbara Triathlon (super sprint)

I'm shaking in my boots, but I need to test myself. Can't think of a better way.

Got back in the pool today, too. A little slower than usual, but I'm back! With new motivation to not lose my fitness level....

3 More Days

That is how much longer I must wait before I hit the pool and get medieval on my freestyle. Oh, yeah....

I'm happy to report that my shave biopsy is healing nicely. I haven't gotten the results back yet, but I'm optimistic. I received interesting news today that my 2nd sister has now been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Even worse than her twin! So now the wheels are turning in my head.....an entire triathlon season with no weight loss, a feeling of constantly being naked in Antarctica, a high body temperature, pale as a ghost, random nausea..... Could it be that I need an endocrinologist and some Synthroid to give me my energy back?

Oh, to be warm and not pale. Is that too much to ask? Rest assured, I'm getting my lazy arse into the endo ASAP to get a full workup. Because if it's in my two sisters, shouldn't I get it, too??! (OK, no need to explain genetics to me....I was a molecular bio undergrad....this was a rhetorical question)

The parents came back from their cruise on Saturday. I think my poor mother nearly cried as we drove out of sight of the boat. They had the time of their lives, and were content to sit on their rears and watch football ALL weekend long. I pryed her away just long enough to do some shopping on Sunday, but that was about it. I also managed a solo run on Saturday, but the coughing and burning in my lungs afterwards proved that I was a total moron for exercising outside so soon.

Work is still frustrating and long. I'm all over the place at this point, as you might imagine from all the chaos above. But I'm here to vent, and vent I shall.

The big news is that I'm going to try to hit a Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow afternoon. It's funny, but watching ER and Abby's struggle with alcoholism has sort of pushed me back to what worked for me in the first place. I owe WW so much for helping me get on track with my weight. I'm not an alcoholic, but I'm definitely addicted to food. I am a mindless, emotional eater. WW grounds me. Disciplines me. Holds me accountable for every lick and bite. I have felt so out of control lately with my eating, despite my intentions to lose weight. But after finding my meeting, I'm suddenly feeling more calm and in control. Funny how that happens! I hope that tomorrow I can find what I'm looking for and can make myself dig deep to continue my journey.

I will not race Athena next year!! Yes, I've joked about it. I could have won Pacific Coast as an Athena. And I rightly qualify, even if only by a few pounds...... But no. I want to make damn sure I'm nowhere near close next season, so there's no temptation to cheat the system. (It's not cheating, but I'm in the top 1/4 - top 1/3 of my age group consistently.....my goal is to get up even higher in the next few years!

So with that, I'm heading to bed. So I can dreaming of swimming.

Activity Breed Inactivity

I think life in general just ebbs and flows. Sometimes you get a breather here and there, and other times you get slammed and can barely keep your head above water.

Work is paying me back, RIGHT NOW, for my triathlon season.

I don't know what it is, but I'm working my tail off! I have absolutely no spare time for anything, and by the time I get home, it's totally late, dark, and I am so spitting mad all I want to do is eat and sleep. What is up with this? I really should expend some of that energy, no matter how late I get off, but I don't even know where to start? It's too dark to ride my bike outside, my arm still has another week to heal before I am allowed to swim, I can't run on the treadmill because it ruins my knees......I really only enjoy spinning, but there are only 2 classes per week I can possibly attempt to make, and I only was able to get to one of them this week!

This sounds more like a laundry list of excuses than a poignant blog entry. But what can you do? This is bothering me!

Oh, and my 10K is this weekend. I never signed up, because I knew my parents would be in town, and then we had these fires. Truthfully, the air quality has been crap for a week and a half now. I did run all last week in Vegas, but haven't kept it up since I've been home. So I think I'm going to have to pick a different 10K for my first, as the stars did not align properly for this one. Bollocks.

Maybe I'll just do the Turkey Tri with no training?

So, that's it. Work, work, work, work, work. Pissed off. Still hungry. Still fat. Hubby still unemployed. (But we have opportunity, and this is better than 2 weeks ago) Now I need to go retrieve my parents from the boat.

I'm starving

Somebody tell me why I decided to eat 1800 calories when I was training this fall? Why?

Because now I'm paying the piper. Day 1 back on WW. It's 7:32, I'm OUT of points, and I'm still hungry. This is nuts! I don't know how I did it before. Part of me feels like I need to do something active so I can earn some more points to eat....but the other part says I'm in my PJs and if I suck it up and deal for a few more days, 1300 calories will feel just fine.

So, I was in Las Vegas all week long. I left this behind, from our balcony:

Hubby was very brave and stayed behind, making sure all our belongings were packed and ready to go in case they evacuated us. The fire came within 1/4 mile for 3 or 4 days, but we are finally in the clear and owe those firefighters a debt of gratitude for saving us. I felt bad for leaving, but the fire was slow-moving....and there was nothing to do at home but wait.

Vegas was Vegas. No offense, but I'm not much of a fan. In fact, my Dad calls it the Neon Shithole and I totally agree with him. The secondhand smoke not only took precious DAYS off of my lifespan, it also turned my snot black. Yes, it's foul, but not as foul as the people smoking at all hours of the day while gambling away money they clearly do not have. It is really the worst of humanity.

That being said, I ate some amazing food. Boss is a foodie, so you bet we hit up all the best restaurants in town while we were there. I had the most amazing pan-seared halibut at Emeril's steakhouse, Delmonico....it literally melted in my mouth. (it had bits of flash-fried spinach in there, too, on a bed of orzo with a beurre blanc, but whatever--- it was sinful) I had a seafood risotto at Bartoletto at the Wynn (not terribly impressive, but our most expensive dinner). Had the BEST thin-crust margherite pizza at Mario Battali's place at the Venetian....and then had some naughty finger foods (as in, probably not good for you but SO good for you, all at the same time) at Pinot Brasserie. No, I was not a good girl, and yes, I did gain weight.

You will be happy to know that I did run while I was there. We hit the Strip twice for some early-morning runs, and I had to admit they were kind of fun. I never realized running can be a fun thing to do with your friends! My coworker and I chatted for ever and ever, it seemed, and we still managed to come in with a sub 10-minute mile 4 and 5-mile run. I'm almost up to 6 miles....I can taste it!

So there you have it. Typing in lieu of eating.

Why can't we start training again NOW so I don't have to diet again?!!!

The Aftermath

This has been a week of picking up the pieces.

DH is finally home. It's been a rough few weeks on him, and I have to think I've been experiencing many of the same emotions he has. If he followed my cycle, then last week he was devastated and felt worthless. And on Saturday, he was so angry at himself that he could spit. Today? He's calm and at ease.

We will move on. I'm not pushing him to make a choice just yet, but if I were a betting girl, I'd still say there was a pilot in there who may try to continue on. But I am not expecting anything just yet. He's still dealing with the disappointment of it all.

I'm mourning my triathlon season. Work has consumed me this week, and I've not had one spare second to take off and do a workout. Not only do I feel like a blob, but I'm realizing that my workouts were my release from all the pressure. I am going to have to make a conscious effort to stay physical these next few months, as I think it's a benefit to my mental health in addition to my physical health!

We had our end-of-the-season party last night, and the old group had a blast seeing eachother again. It's not that I don't like the newbies....I just don't know them. When I started the program in June, I was pretty upset that there were mostly older women. I'd wanted to make new friends, but just couldn't imagine how I would enjoy spending 18 weeks with housewives, retirees, and working moms who were 10+ years my senior. Funny how triathlon breaks down all those barriers. Last night, we were a giggling group of teenagers again. Chatting about husbands, races, food......but mostly, we were a group of friends who couldn't wait for the next two months to hurry up so we can be together all over again. This was a journey, and it bound us together.

Thankfully, we plan to do workouts together over the next few months to keep us sane and close. Once I get DH straightened out, I'm ready to hit the road with them and get ready! It's all about Oly distance next year....I must push myself and see once and for all what I am made of. I'm aiming for an early-season race, so we'll see how that goes!

Another major bummer about the end of triathlon is the start of Weight Watchers again. Inactivity means I don't have that nice 600 calorie buffer when I go out to eat! Wow, it's crazy how that happens. I really took some liberties with my eating that I will start to pay for if I don't watch out. I mean, I ate a waffle with apples yesterday for brunch. I didn't eat any butter or syrup, but it literally melted in my mouth so it must have been horrific for me. Stuff like that can't happen. This is the return of Egg White omlettes. No butter. No buns. Turkey burgers. Back to being the workplace Food Nazi. Yes, this is how it must be.

So that is the week in a nutshell. Picking up the pieces. And dealing with totally crappy race pictures, where I look pale as a ghost and appear to be tortured beyond comprehension. (Why don't I smile?!!) But here's the money shot, right before I ralphed. Literally, right before.

Subaru Race Report

It certainly feels like it has been a full season, even though I've only been at it since June. After getting sick at Pacific Coast, I really wanted Subaru to be my "A" race, but sometimes life hands you surprises that cut into training time and "taking care of yourself" time. So I came into Sunday feeling healthy, but perhaps not as prepared as I should have been. FYI, hubby failed. He's done. I can't talk about it, but suffice it to say, it certainly weighed heavy on me today out there on course!

I was dehydrated when I woke up, and it seems I just couldn't hydrate myself in the 2 1/2 hours leading up to the race. I got my end spot at the race and I have to admit, it was pretty sweet being position right smack dab between the swim in and bike out. I mean, it was awesome. So I got everything set up, chatted, pumped tires, used the potty, and basically tried to stay calm before they kicked us out of transition. The walk from transition down to the water was pretty rough on the tootsies, and since I had to use the potty again, I missed the whole jazzercise warmup thing. But really, I thought it sounded pretty cool. What a way to relieve some stress! The race start was really emotional for me this time around. Blame it on hormones or circumstance, but I cried like a baby when the Triumph wave went off. I felt such a sense of pride seeing our own cancer survivor teammates start us off in the race. But I finally pulled myself together and got into the water for our swim start.

Ahhh, the treading water start. I initially thought I would enjoy it because oftentimes, in my mad dash to the ocean, I trip as soon as I hit the water and faceplant into the water in front of my entire wave and everyone else who is still watching. So I was excited that today there would be no public humiliation at the start. But instead, there were people who thought they swam fast who got in the very front of the wave and flailed around at the start, proving to be a most difficult barrier to pass!! I got kicked, groped, and grabbed more times in this race than in any of the others this season (okay, just Pacific Coast and Santa Barbara, but still). Instead of "settling" into my swim like I normally do, I tried to push it a little harder than usual. In retrospect, I wish I'd done more, but my body felt a little sluggish out there and I couldn't generate the power that I knew I could in my stroke. I was feeling pretty bad about the whole swim until I hit the blue caps in front of me, then straightened out and headed in to shore. Not having waves take me out on the return to shore was worth the price of admission, that is for sure.

So, into transition I go. Was tired coming out of the water, but it was a good tired. Hit the mat in a decent time, then whipped off the wetsuit and changed into my shoes. Got the bike over the mat and actually managed to clip in on the first try. Now, in other races, I wasted SO MUCH TIME trying to get my feet into the cages....having clips was shockingly easier. And it was only my 3rd ride in them, so imagine my surprise at the ease of getting going so quickly. I headed out on the bike and tried to play with my gears to see what I could push. Unfortunately, I hadn't been able to take my bike in for a much needed tuneup before the race (got to love last-minute travel and your company being acquired!), so it wasn't shocking when my bike decided it didn't want to go into the big ring up front. But when it wouldn't even ride in the little ring in back, I knew it was going to be a rouch day. Rather than grind my gears and ruin my chain, I stuck with the gear that provided the most resistance and the least amount of grinding.....and I really could only sustain an 18.5 mph average for the whole race. This was a little disappointing, because this was a flat time trial race and I really wanted to push myself out there and see what I could do. In Long Beach, I was hitting 23 mph on my straights and easily sustaining. Here, I was lucky to see 20 and 21 with the gears I had to work with. All in all, it was an okay bike. I pedaled as fast as I could, but I really felt like I left a lot on the table.

Coming in from the bike, my hands and feet were totally numb. This was an entirely new feeling for me, and so the scientist in me was thinking, "what could this be? Sodium? Dehydration? Hypoglycemia?" I was a little freaked out. So I grabbed 2 shot bloks in transition, sucked them down with some Cytomax, and hoped it was a sugar thing. My heart rate was racing and my quads were a little crampy, and unlike most races where I can usually get the heart rate down while running, I had to walk 3 times in my first mile. Eventually the numbness went away, the tightness went away, and I settled into my run pace. Too bad it took a mile and I'd already blown my time......my first mile ended up adding 4 minutes to my mile pace, so I had to pick it up in the end to try to salvage the race and make my goal time. (You guys have to understand, I am competitive with myself and I set these time goals for me every race.....it helps me to not compare myself to the other girls in my age group, and it sets the bar so that I push myself a little more than in training) I sprinted into the finish line after getting my lei from Kelly, and at the end, after the announcer said my name, I lost my Cytomax and shot blocks all over the finish line. It was pretty foul, but they handed me a towel, took my chip, and acted like people throw up all the time--- I hope they weren't just kidding. I was upset, though. I missed my goal time by a minute and a half, and I threw up at the finish line. My moment of glory! It was pretty emotional, and not in the good way.

All things considered, I did enjoy the race. Fantastic venue, awesome volunteers, and totally well-run. Compared to the chaos that was Long Beach (and sometimes Pacific Coast), it was exciting to see another race that was done well.

So can you believe it? After all the worry back in June, with Jynell's ushering, I signed up for Tridivas and I've finished my first full triathlon season. I've found a hobby that I love, met some amazing teammates who I now consider friends, am in the best shape of my life, and can't wait for more! Yes, those starts are brutal on me, but the sense of accomplishment I feel after completing each race more than makes up for the torture beforehand. I needed these triathlons so much this summer/fall. I feel so lucky to be a part of this amazing sport. (It really is, I swear.....I was competetitve in horseback riding and tennis through college, and I can honestly say that triathletes are a breath of fresh air)

With that, I'm going to go veg out with some Desperate Housewives and keep drinking.

Just Because

I'm having one of those days. No inspiration. No purpose. Everything I do is....just because.

Hubby did not pass his final exam two nights ago. Today, he had to talk to the chief pilot and basically beg to be given one last shot. He got it-- went promptly into an FTD session where he was drilled for 3 hours to see how proficient he was. His instructor said he was fine and recommended a training session followed by a retest. So we dodged another bullet, until his retest tomorrow night. This is what he's been wanting for 5 years now. The dream job. He even got his dream base, right close to home. (that NEVER happens) It was all too perfect, and it could be over tomorrow night. I'm trying to stay strong for him. To encourage him. To tell him he's going to pull through and it's going to be alright, but doubt is a nagging feeling that nips at me when I try to think past today. My worrying about him has left me paralyzed. Yes, I can work. Yes, I can function. But I don't feel.

There's shit going around work, too. Everyone seems to have cold. I guess they didn't get the memo that I was trying to have my "A" race this weekend. I mean, seriously.....I got sick the day before Pacific Coast. Now I'm getting snotty and I have a fever. Like, 100 degree, not my typical 99. I don't feel anything, though. It's just a number on a thermometer.

So I hit the pool tonight with a few of the slower teammates. It was cold, and I didn't have as much energy as I'd hoped, but it was a good distraction. Coach even showed up in the end to get a little swim in as well. What a hoot she is! We had a great time, but she couldn't resist crossing the line and coaching again. Apparently I reach down too far with my stroke and it's straining my rotator cuff. The correction had me making shallow strokes that didn't seem to get me anywhere.....so I've decided to ignore it and deal with it in the off-season. I'm going to tear my rotator cuff up in Mission Bay on Sunday and nobody can stop me!

We spent our night discussing cancer, of all things. Coach is a survivor. One of our teammates is a survivor. A neighbor of Coach's had a double mastectomy this morning. I watched an amazing 2-hour documentary last night called "Crazy Sexy Cancer," about a vibrant young women's journey with incurable cancer. It was overwhelming. Perplexing. Sad. But we left our talk inspired. I guess that made it worthwhile.

So to end the day with cancer really did put it all into perspective. Hubby may be going through a tough time right now, and his future may end up being uncertain if he doesn't make it through this. But in the end, we'll still have eachother....mostly healthy......mostly happy.....and most definitely in love. So we'll get through this and be thankful that we have so much in life. Hopefully we don't dwell on what we don't have.

But that is a topic for tomorrow.

Just because.

Should I? Could I?

Peer pressure is getting to me again. A group of girls are signing up for an event on November 4th, offering both a 5K and a 10K. Silly me says, "since it's JUST a run, why don't we do the 10K?" Never mind I've only WALKED a 10K before. That the farthest I've ever run before was 4.5 miles. No, somehow I have this crazy idea in my head.

Like the good student I am, I immediately e-mailed Coach to see what she thought of this crazy idea. We have a 5K base to start from, but we can't start to train until after the triathlon next weekend, as this is taper week and I don't want to hurt myself before my "A" race. (I'm ready! I am really, really ready and I can't wait!) Is 3 weeks enough time to add the distance? With a walk-run strategy?

Why am I like this?

Did the mock triathlon up in Seal Beach today. Except I refused to swim, because I just really hate swimming at Seal Beach and I was behind on my biking. So off I went when the hordes headed to shore....I hit the trails! I felt like such a bad girl, but whatever. I am following my own training goals, and freaking out about sting rays is NOT one of my training goals this week. At any rate, the Cheeto wouldn't get into the big ring, so I was a bit pissed off. It means I have to take it to the Bike Yahoos AGAIN this week, even though the yahoos aren't even that close to me. And before I get in trouble for calling them yahoos, one of them is not. The store manager. He's the only one who can actually tune a bike for crap. The rest are yahoos. So I need the manager. Desperately!

Regardless, had a heinous head wind on the way out, but on the way back, I took one minute off of each mile. So bizarre. And I only tried to kill myself with the SPD pedals once. I took a wrong turn off a trail and came upon a gate pretty quickly. Forgot to clip out, then had one out, then the body wanted to put BOTH feet down! I will hurt myself one of these days, I just know it.

I also had a most excellent run today. I felt strong, and were it not for the rabid/geriatric/baby squirrel in the road (I couldn't tell which, and after an indeterminable amount of time, I decided not to find out and left him wandering the streets...what am I gonna do with a meandering scruffy squirrel?), I think my overall time would have been much improved. I think my stride rate is increasing, and with that, a wee bit o' speed. Granted, I'm still Granny out there, but I'm Granny hopped up on some major caffeine. Finally, some progress I can feel!!

I was worried that I wasn't working as hard as I did before Pacific Coast and that perhaps my performance at Subaru will suffer, but looking at my times in practice, I'm still improving. I guess that's what a "base" is all about, eh? So here's hoping I still feel this great next weekend and that it'll all come together. I just want to do my very best, and if that means I finish in the middle of the pack, so be it! But I want to peak on Sunday.

With that, I'm off to watch some tube. And anxiously await word on DH. He passed training gate 3 and 7, and tonight is his final proficiency checkride! I'm hoping against hope that he makes it, as that would mean he will be home within a week. I'm going to need him when training is over....I'll be so bored. So, positive thoughts, once again. (Hopefully, just this one last time)

Why is Coach ALWAYS right?

It kills me, really. Or perhaps it just gives me more faith in her coaching.

She has this saying, "good form equals free speed." Today, I tried to take it to heart in the pool. We had to do a timed 1000 meter time trial as part of our program for the week, and I've been feeling pretty stagnant in the water lately. People I swim with in the ocean have been passing me in the pool during longer swims, and I have started to wonder if perhaps I was holding back? So today, I really concentrated on my form and pulling with my arms, keeping myself right at the brink of being too tired to continue, yet maintaining a pace that was do-able for the long haul. (I know, 1000 meters isn't really long haul, but today it was!) I attempted to rotate as much as I could while watching that pesky left arm of mine....loves to wander to the outside when it should stick to my side and not cause rotator cuff pain.

I'll have you know I knocked 40 seconds off of my pace! I can usually swim a 100 in 2 minutes and swim forever and ever. Today, I was under that, and I maintained. In fact, I think I did a negative split on the 2nd 500. Yes, I was proud. I had a temperature of 99.3 and my back was aching, but I did it. (no concern about the mini-temp....apparently that is NORMAL for my body and nobody can figure out why....didn't slow me down today, though!) Oh, we'll just ignore the fact that the Masters swimmer next to me managed to lap me close to a million times. But her butt was bigger than mine. ;)

But darn, does Coach always have to be so right?

Uninspired

That's been the general tone of my week. I sign on every night and glance at a few blogs, but mostly just go right to bed. It's been quite a week and it's not even Friday yet. Yikes!

So, the Bonelli Tri was a bit of a train wreck for our team. We've been training in cool weather for nearly a month now, so when it hit 90 degrees on the run course, the Olympians' bodies started to react differently than they ever had in training. After a 1-mile swim and 25 mile bike, they started their 6 mile runs with everything from nausea and cramps to lightheadedness and even dementia! It was crazy. I apparently broke every triathlon rule in the book at this race, but you'll see why in a minute. ANYWAY, I ended up heading out on the run with one of our girls who asked me to stay with her. She's very strong and usually one of the fastest, so I found this odd and agreed. We chatted briefly about her run, and then she started holding her abdomen. I pushed her to run a mile and a half, and then the pain became unbearable. At this point we'd looped around where we could have been back at the start in a 1/2 mile, but she was determined to continue on. I called our coach at mile 3 to see if her symptoms were sounding familiar and if there was anything we could do to improve them. Coach knew instantly after hearing about what my pal drank and ate before the run that she was having some electrolyte deficiencies and that she overdosed on sugars.

It was the longest 6 miles of my life! No kidding. We got passed by almost everyone, and the volunteers had left their water stations. That's why I don't feel so bad about being with her. if this had been severe and she did have a medical emergency out on course, there would have been nobody there to help her. So yes, I "cheated", but I would do it again in a heartbeat. Like we were competitive, ya know?

At any rate, we crossed the finish line. They were all puzzled why I didn't have a chip, but I just walked away with a smile. She showed such courage making it all that way in so much pain-- it was really inspiring.

I suppose I'd take the 90-degree heat to the heat going on at work these days. Today, our company fired on of the head execs and now MY boss is taking over the entire office. It's huge for us, but I'm kind of pissed that he didn't tell me at dinner last night. (I sort of knew this would happen, but still) To top it all off, they shipped me some help, but there's no office space so she is sharing a cubicle with me. She's nice, but she's literally 3 feet in back of me, ALL DAY LONG.

I could kill someone.

Spin class today was the most bizarre experience I've ever had. Short muscle-man was screaming at us to make our lungs ache and our legs burn 15 minutes into class. Seriously, dude, it's a 60-minute class. Are you nuts? Heck no, I'm not blowing myself out so early. The wackjob would also put his index finger in the air and twirl it when he started sprinting....and he did all sorts of crazy positions on the bike that would in no way mimic race riding. I was beside myself just being in the same room as him. It was a joke! We had to spend several minutes at a time recovering from these asinine all-out drills he was trying to do... I ignored him and pushed the highest resistance I could for an hour--- he was not helping me accomplish my training goals. Anyway, I left during stretching and hopped on the treadmill afterwards. 25 minutes in, my knees ached and I decided I probably didn't need to risk going 5 more minutes.... So, that was my workout.

I ate pizza today, too. But that's for my Weightwatchen page. I'll fess up over there.